Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*