Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?