Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
You Might Also Like
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.