Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”