Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else