Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
You Might Also Like
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Software Development ⛵️
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?