Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Every haunted house movie:
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.