“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?