“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

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[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too


Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.


I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.


Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.


Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…


If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.


At the library:

Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.

Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change


Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?


There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter