BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I am a gravy boat captain
If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
At the library:
Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.
Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter