“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
#catsoftwitter
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside