“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”