Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.