Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.