Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Do one thing every day that scares people.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?