Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Rt to bother an English speaker
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.