Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

I might give this a try 😏

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.