Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”