Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
You Might Also Like
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[eats all your cotton candy]
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir