Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good