Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan