STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?