Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

I might give this a try 😏

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

😬

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool