Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

weddings should have a worst man

Priorities

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

there’s probably a fee though

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first