Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Safety first
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.