Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Monday
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house