Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.