Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
yall want some gasoline milk
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.