[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Thoughts
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.