Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas