@thatstings

*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize

*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize

- @thatstings

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@JoeCharles119

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@Mouthy_

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@SuperDuperDook

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@lovemydogduck

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.