Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Chicken bread

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

the pigeons are already plenty salty