Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!