subtitles are so good nowadays
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Sex so good you see dead people.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick