subtitles are so good nowadays
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writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“i am a sweet baby”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them