Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A completely valid reaction tbh
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
what could possibly go wrong?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too