SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
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Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.