Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.