Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Room with a view.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.