SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Dune (2021)
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore