Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

so weird how every mom was born today

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.