Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

👽

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

That’s fair

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.