SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.