SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Saturday
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
just got my engagement photos
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I hope this email finds you in a well
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far