Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Probably my best painting.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep