SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
You Might Also Like
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
The Punning Dead.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
english majors be like furthermore
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Your secret is safeish with me
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title