Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”