Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

Me irl

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

With a text.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.