Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

lol

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there