Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Whoops
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.