subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.