Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

😭

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster