subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”