Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Can Happiness buy money?

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

this is funnier than any friends episode

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

as the prophecy foretold

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.