Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
