Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
You Might Also Like
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
no one likes gloating
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree