Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.