Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Sir!!
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
smh
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.