[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same