[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
You Might Also Like
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Smallpox sounds so adorable
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m not wrong
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.