Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Bruh

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.