If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
This is me
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
adding to the discourse
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.