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BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?


[my brain going to party]

general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?

social anxiety: what if they don’t?


9 just scolded me at the grocery for buying wine.
I told him it was ok, I was 21 to which he loudly responded, Nooo, you’re 38.

Thanks son.


Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway


[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe


My mom told me that whenever I use an Uber I need to make sure it’s my ride and not a random car because I could get kidnapped. And I was like “I’m a fully grown man. No one wants to kidnap me.” And she had the most mom response: “Nonsense. Anyone would be lucky to kidnap you.”


I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.


In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.