Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.