Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Sniffing the broccoli

Not my job 😂

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming