Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

going to bed

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

What’s the point buying it then?

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”