succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…