Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”