Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
When can I start eating bats again.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
