Succinctly put.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]