Succinctly put.
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Planet of the Apps.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake