Succinctly put.
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice