Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass