Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
